Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

The top picture is of my mom and step dad, and the second picture is of my mom and a little girl she baby sat for a month. So my biggest insecurity is becoming my mother. Every other insecurity I have has her voice. A lifetime of emotional abuse doesn't go away over night. Growing up I was told that I was a useless fat stupid ____.  Fill in the blank with your favorite slur or put down. I heard them all. My mother is 5'2" and is over weight. I am 5'7" and I have never been a little size 2,4,6. At age 14 I was wearing an 8-10 which is where I stayed until I started having children. I grew up thinking that I was fat, and ugly. Getting over the idea that I was fat is hard, I weigh more now but I am more comfortable in my skin then I ever was. My mother used to tell me that I was unlovable that after three months people would figure out who I was and leave me. Believe it or not when I was a teenager I didn't want to be in a relationship with a guy. I was afraid that all I could get was someone who would want to control me, and beat me. Rob is the first and only relationship I have been in. I would sabotage and make clear that I was not the type of girl you brought home to mom. Ten years of marriage does something for confidence on being lovable.

So anyways I am afraid of becoming my mother. I am afraid one day I will wake up and my children won't want anything to do with me. I haven't talked to my mom in over three years, it will be four this summer. I just stopped calling her and she never called back. She is not interested in my family. Right now Damian wants to live near us so that we can play with their grand kids and he can work on our farm but one day he is going to grow up. I just don't want him to grow up and hate me.