The Unsaid

I wonder why women don't talk about all the things that we leave unsaid. We are supposed to be the more nurturing, caring of the two sexes but often we are are the ones who are the most judgmental. We are guilty of worrying over every minute detail and guilty of worrying over all that we are failing at while we do one thing right. We can not take the good because we are worried about all that we can't do. When the days are darkest women are the ones who close up and lose the strength to admit failure. We all struggle but are afraid to show our weaknesses. There is a conversation that we should have but we are to afraid of ridicule. I know I have many days and many thoughts that are left without a voice.  I wonder how many other woman do not voice their fears, or speak more cheerily about what is going on. We are not perfect but we all want each other to believe that we are. I have opened up and asked, "Does this happen to you?". Often the response is silence or worse no never. I quickly let the subject go. I can not be the only one who doesn't know what to do. I can not be the only one who feels lost. Why can't we let the guard down and say, "It is sometimes hard for me too. You are not alone." Instead I am left feeling like less, like I am failing. I wonder am I guilty of making someone else feel that their worries, or fears are theirs alone?

From me to you; You are not alone. We all are secretly struggling at one time or another. We are in this together. If I ever make you feel like you are less than what you are call me out. I am not perfect. In fact I am so far removed from perfect it is not even a relative. I only know what I have lived, and I often mean well. If I don't come off that way ask me about it. I will explain to the best of my abilities. You are worth more than what you feel that you are, you are doing better than you think you are, and everyone whether they admit to it or not has the same kind of doubts.

Today I write

 I am a writer at heart and I am happiest when I am able to create on paper. Today I found the words. I have been worried over a notebook filled with my poetry. It got lost somehow in the move. I am sure it is in the house, I hope it is. I was worried that my words were lost. So today when they rushed toward me I happily picked up a pen and let them spill from my lips. Today I share it with you. I am happy.

I see you
the browns and blues
shinning bright
looking right
to the desire
where the heart
attempts to still
the beat
slowing time
rushing by

Settle Now
before you
turn those browns and blues
away to shine bright
for anothers sight

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss

 Considering that we just moved to a new state I do miss a lot of people. Besides Damian who is in most of the pictures, although it could be said that I miss this age, and myself, I miss all of these people. This is my grandparents house. When we are home we usually sit at this table. My grandmother rarely lets me cook because I am never home for long. My grandfather who is a big kid himself. My uncle, cousins, and my nieces (I only have posted and as of this year I have three nieces). I am missing being a part of my family's lives, of them being part of my own. Time does not stand still, only stretching until I return home to older different people. Maybe I am the one who is different and my realization that time can be unfriendly to people that we love. I am guilty of holding the last picture I have of a person in my head until I see them again. I am missing a life that is not my own. I miss being an active part of a big family instead of a bystander listening for news over the telephone. If you can't tell I am more than a little home sick.

Day 29: A picture that always makes you smile.

Day 29: A picture that always makes you smile.

There is no butts about it. Every time I get to look at old pictures of the kids and even Rob and I, I smile. The memories that we have made together come alive again for a fleeting moment. I really need to work on printing out pictures. I am years behind printing pictures and putting them in photo albums. We are lucky to have such a good life together. I am lucky to have beautiful, healthy, happy family.

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of.

Fear is an odd thing. Can it be depicted in a picture? The rushing of a heart beat, the stifling of a breath, a scream, the unsteady hand. I used to be to young an dumb to be afraid, but then I had children. My worry level went up. I can worry with the best worriers in the business.  To be relevant to the question I have chosen at random something I am afraid of.

So today I needed to go up in to our crawl space to look for a notebook of my poems that I seem to have lost during the move. I pull down the latter and slowly climb up in to a dark whole in the ceiling only to find that the light burned out or that the fuse is not on. We do have the fuse for the alarm off because we don't know the password and that fuse is the door bell also. So I stood there thinking of ways to get light in there and wondering about spiders. After trying to find a working flashlight and deciding against using a candle because of all the insulation I finally took my rushing heart and the rest of my nervous body into the attic. I have an over active imagination which ranged from icky crawling things suddenly attacking me, to finding out if ghosts are real in a horrible shrieking fit of disturbing them, big spiders rushing in to claim a very large lunch, and rodents. Eeek! Of course non of this was found up in the attic space but I did go in even with a racing heart and shaking hands. I did not find the notebook, but I did discover nothing lives up there.

Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is a picture of myself and my boys. The baby is James and Damian is 4. This was our first trip to Disney World. We had the most wonderful vacation and we were all pretty happy. I don't know why I chose this picture but thinking of this trip makes me smile.

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.

I am not sure what do for this one. Going back to school means a lot to me. My mom took out of school when I was sixteen and I worked two jobs and gave it to her. When I left her house I always felt like I was lacking in my education. I had horrible grammar and atrocious spelling. All I have ever wanted to do was to become a writer. So the first thing I did was get my GED, and then I started college. When I started I felt like I needed to prove something and I was not focused on what I wanted to do. Plus because I was not talking to my mom I had to pay for school by working two jobs. I was barely getting by in my classes and after I got married I quit. We moved to Texas. England, Florida, and back to Texas where I have finally started school again. At the beginning of every class I get nervous and worry about my abilities. I have finished 3 classes with an A. I hope that I can continue keeping my grades up. This time I know I will finish and hopefully I will become a paid writer. With a little hard work dreams come true. 

Day 25: A picture of your day.

Day 25: A picture of your day.

My day starts with my cell phone alarm singing Good Morning at 6:30. Where I stumble out of bed and into the living room to dismiss it. I am up so I start my tea kettle and decide what kind of tea I want. I take my hot tea over to my desk and turn on the computer. First I check Facebook (I have an addiction) and then I start school work. I usually get a couple of hours of school work before the boys wake up. James usually demands breakfast as soon as he rounds the corner and sees me. So I make breakfast, normally it is cereal or oatmeal  but today I decided to make eggs and fake sausage (I gave up meat for lent and so did they). We have breakfast together and I do dishes. Back to school work for both myself and Damian. Since my classes are back in I have to nag Damian to get it done. James plays with his dinosaurs on the floor. Then when James comes and tells me he is stuffed (hungry) at about 11:30 we make lunch. I water the garden and wonder around outside for a little while. Then I clean up a little for about an hour, do my two miles on the treadmill. I have been trying to run at 7 miles an hour by walking 5 minutes running for 2 minutes. My hip hurts at 7 miles an hour so I have decided to stay at 6 miles an hour and build up to running for 30 minutes at a time. My show the talk comes on and we all pile on the couch to watch it. Followed by our afternoon nap. Then we clean up a little more, nag Damian to read and practice the piano. Then I work on dinner and send the kids out side to play. Dinner usually takes me at least an hour to make, often it can take up to two hours of cooking, chopping, stirring, and tasting. Then I serve dinner. We get up to the table say a prayer and we talk to each other until dinner is over. I do a load of dishes while the boys take a bath. Then boys and I pile on the couch and watch Netflix for a little while before we go to bed. Most days are like this. Sometimes we go out to meet up with some people. It's our life and it is good.

Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.

 This is a picture of my brother, sister, and I. When we were growing up we were all very close. After I got kicked out of the house when I turned 18, I chose not to talk to my mother for a year. I was angry and very hurt. Of course my siblings were left with my mother who talked bad about me the whole time. Not that they turned against me but after I began to talk to my mother I got to have them in my life again. I got married and moved far away. I am missing their life. They both have kids now. My sister has two that I barely know, my brother just had his first one last month. My sister has been married, divorced, and married again. My brother is in a serious relationship that might turn to marriage if they are not to careful. They love each other and they didn't want to get married because of a baby. We'll see. What I would change is that the distance between us sometimes makes us strangers. I also have another brother who was a year old when I left the house. I don't know him at all. He is 12 this year and I have some pictures of him. I would change our relationship to bring us closer. I want to be honest friends with the people I grew up with, survived with. I miss them more than anything or anyone else.  

Day 23: A picture of your favorite book.

Day 23: A picture of your favorite book.

These are the books that we have bought over the years and only a small fraction of the books that I have read in my lifetime. I love books. I love the smell of books, the look of books, the feel of books. So asking what my favorite books are is like asking me to pick my favorite star. My love affair with books started when I was very young. If you have been reading my other blog post I bet you have an idea that I was raised in a very abusive home. I was often isolated from family and friends so books became a comforting escape, a friend to turn to in the darkness, and as I got older they are still a comfort to me.  Back to the idea of a favorite books.

I used to read the Shinning every year and is still my favorite of Stephan King Novels. It's creepy hotel always scares me no matter how many times I read it. I am looking forward to letting my kids get chills from the twins in the blood filled halls.

I love The Time Travelers Wife and I have read it many times. This story is a heart breaking love story. I get teary just thinking of it.

I love most of Jodi Picult's books. I have chosen Keeping Faith because it is layered with all the questions of faith that you can have. Then this little girl with stigmata is presenting us with the answers. It is very touching like most of her books.

I fell in Love with Nicolas Sparks when I read a walk to remember and have bought and given away a least 6 of these books. I feel out of love with him after I read Dear John and have struggled to read his books after that one. I hope to one day forgive him and be able to read his work again.

I love Sophie Kinsella Books. All of them They are so funny and witty and just plain fun to read. I picked Confessions of a Shopaholic because I look forward to reading every new one that comes out. While I was looking for the book I ended up pulling out books that I wanted to put in to my favorite list and I felt like I was cheating on all the books that aren't going to make the post. Finally I had to stop. These 7 books are all very different and loved for different reasons. I got Gone With the Wind from my Great Grandma Alice. I love reading this and Scarlet because she read them first, that and they are classics. I love Jacquelyn Mitchard I chose Cage of Stars to represent her because it starts with heartbreak and finishes with forgiveness. I have read Zoya more times than I can count. The Joy Luck Club is about discovering yourself while discovering your past. Love it! I love Walt Witman. I love poetry! E.E. Cummings wrote my favorite poems. Billy Crystals 700 Sundays is a journey you get to take with the author. In fact I bought the book after I read it from the library.

I have to mention Nora Roberts because I love her. I have a self devoted to her. I love her trilogy's and the connections she makes through her books. Honestly I want to write stories that the characters  intertwine through more than one book. I think she is a master of that. I hope to one day give her a run for her money. 

I am not mentioning any cookbooks even though besides school textbooks I read them the most. I do love to cook. Any book not listed here is not unloved or even loved less and maybe on another day all of the books I have listed wouldn't make the list. It is day by day. Like I said before I love to read, and I LOVE Books.

Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.

 I want to be better at photography. I love to take pictures and sometimes I take a magical photo that sends tingles down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. I think a photography class is in my future.  

Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.


There are a things in life that happen that are good, or bad. Of all of the things in my life all of the bad that I lived through I would not chose to forget anything. We grow from all of the paths that we walk. Forgetting only allows us to repeat  cycles, and make the same mistakes. The only choice we really have is to move forward and embrace each day as a new day, a new start, and a new opportunity to grow as a person. The choice, the most important choice we have is the choice to be happy. It is a choice. I am a happy person. I love the life that I live.

Day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Like I said I want to travel the world. I would love to go and spend a month or so exploring Ireland. It is so mystical and beautiful in pictures. I just want to walk in the green mossy grass and see everything.

Day 19: A picture of you when you were little.

Day 19: A picture of you when you were little.

 So I taped all these pictures in to this scrap book years ago and now I am a little afraid to take them our. I lived in Hawaii when I was little. I would climb those trees in the front yard until one day I slid down and took all the skin off my belly. Me in that purple dress, it was made for me for a beauty contest I was in. I won miss congenitally. Me at the beach somewhere in the world on a clear day, me as a cute little baby, and so on.

 I think that is my grandfather teaching me to fish. I am still a terrible fisher, I just don't like to hurt the poor little fishes, they might have a family. All these pictures of me when I was small I lived with my grandparents or my step-father was still alive and still married to my mother.

 Me playing softball on a undefeated team. I only wish I was better. That is the webble wobble tree house, my favorite toy at my grandma's house. 

 My siblings and I. I loved raggedy Ann when I was little. I chose these pictures because I was happy in all of them. Later after my parents split up life got a little hard and I was never as happy as those early naive years.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.

The top picture is of my mom and step dad, and the second picture is of my mom and a little girl she baby sat for a month. So my biggest insecurity is becoming my mother. Every other insecurity I have has her voice. A lifetime of emotional abuse doesn't go away over night. Growing up I was told that I was a useless fat stupid ____.  Fill in the blank with your favorite slur or put down. I heard them all. My mother is 5'2" and is over weight. I am 5'7" and I have never been a little size 2,4,6. At age 14 I was wearing an 8-10 which is where I stayed until I started having children. I grew up thinking that I was fat, and ugly. Getting over the idea that I was fat is hard, I weigh more now but I am more comfortable in my skin then I ever was. My mother used to tell me that I was unlovable that after three months people would figure out who I was and leave me. Believe it or not when I was a teenager I didn't want to be in a relationship with a guy. I was afraid that all I could get was someone who would want to control me, and beat me. Rob is the first and only relationship I have been in. I would sabotage and make clear that I was not the type of girl you brought home to mom. Ten years of marriage does something for confidence on being lovable.

So anyways I am afraid of becoming my mother. I am afraid one day I will wake up and my children won't want anything to do with me. I haven't talked to my mom in over three years, it will be four this summer. I just stopped calling her and she never called back. She is not interested in my family. Right now Damian wants to live near us so that we can play with their grand kids and he can work on our farm but one day he is going to grow up. I just don't want him to grow up and hate me.

Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

So we moved from Panama City, Fl to San Antonio, Tx this last summer. We bought our first house which I love. It is hard moving to a place where you don't know anyone. It is lonely. I miss having friends to talk to and hand out with outside of my house. I know I will make new friends and get established in the area but the waiting is hard. We joined a couple of local groups and now that we have a car full time I should be able to do more things. It just takes time.

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you.

Inspiration is a funny thing. There is no one person who inspires me but many people. I have meet people who shape inspires creation of a character, some people inspire me to try and be become better person, some people inspire me with their determination.

My friend Jessie is amazing. She is the strongest woman I have ever met. She has been the foundation of her family through her whole marriage. She buckles down when things gets tough and she does what she has to do in order for her family to run smoothly. She does all of that with a wink and a smile. She doesn't take crap from anyone. 

I have another friend Katie who inspired me to get out and be more open to new people. She helped me the most in overcoming my shyness. She pushed me to join meet-up groups. She also inspired a Greek Goddess in my mind. She has a dark olive skin, black straight hair, and the way she holds her self is simply regal.

Amanda inspired me to do this blog. She is so open and honest that it is amazing. She has a big heart and her beauty shines through everything she does. Now if only she could see that and wear it proudly.

I am inspired by most people that I know. There is a reason that we are friends and just because I did not list them all doesn't mean that they inspire me less or that they mean less to me. Let me tell you I had planned on listing many more but James is freaking out. Crying and asking where his underwear is, he took them off to use the toilet. He is demanding to talk about dinner (breakfast). My children do inspire me to be a better person and to give them a better life than what I had. Sometimes they do drive me a little crazy, but I love them with my whole being! I would not change my life for anything else.

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die.

 I want to travel the world before I die. There is so much to see and do out in the world that I just want to go and experience it with my family. Maybe one day I could be a travel writer, or at least have a wealth of information for characters to do and say and live. 

Besides traveling I want to write a nonfiction book or two before I die. I have the stories playing in my mind, the characters voices whispering to me night and day. Pictures of my dreams waiting to be written. My problem is insecurities, am I able to finish a book, am I good enough, can I? I have been told that I bring a story to life, I know hard to believe reading all this other boring stuff. My talent is not writing about myself that is a whole other problem, dating back to when I was a teenager writing a journal. That is another post, for another day. . . You know it came up so I will tell you. How many people read this anyway? When I was a teenager I wrote in a journal all the things I felt. Keep in mind I was a very depressed girl, I had less than bad self esteem. I started my journals in middle school and signed every entry with may I rest in peace. My mother found it and I got into a lot of trouble for writing that she loved my sister more than me. It wasn't even that I was so lost but only that I wrote it where other people might see it at all. So I stopped writing about myself and started really writing non fiction coded stories that I got into more trouble for. I think even through I was a very good writer, I know because I won a scholarship for a summer writing course  when I was 14. I didn't get to go because we couldn't afford room and board. Sometimes I think that my mother did not want me, us to succeed. She had to drop out of high school her senior year because of a pregnancy, me. I think that over shadowed my siblings and I, as non of us graduated from high school. We all went on to get a GED or equivalent after we moved out of our mothers house. I think we, well I can only speak of myself; I was left with the idea that I was not good enough, or smart enough to succeed in life.

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

 These three people are my life. Without them I would not be who I am today. Here is a poem I wrote to my kids.

poem

I have been the Wind

Blowing, rushing, destroying

Dreaming, wondering freely

Without a care restlessly moving

Forward towards my longing

Now you are the wind

I am the sea

Waiting, watching, for your sweet breeze

To come by this time and another until the last

I have forgotten my own dreams

To watch you chase yours

So dream as big as the moon

Soar above the stars

I will be waiting at the shore

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Billie Holiday

Portrait from Down Beat magazine, ca. February 1947

I fell in love with Billie Holiday when I first heard her on the radio. I love classical music and one day when I was 15 or 16 I heard her sing  "Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do" 

It still gives me chills every time I hear this song. This song by this woman showed me my love of Jazz, and of the blues. I could feel the rhythm in my very bones, and I can sing the blues. This genre is one that my voice is suited for. I can not sing Pop, or rock, or most popular songs but give me the blues and I can tell you a story.  I love how it can be a love story or a sad story the horns are blowing, the bass is thumping, piano is the stage, and it becomes my story.

Day 12: A picture of something you love.

Day 12: A picture of something you love.

This is a picture of our first house. We bought the smallest house in the neighborhood. After I painted the master bedroom, the kitchen, and the living room it is starting to really feel like it is ours. We have planted 6 fruit trees in the back yard, 5 raspberry buses, 3 blackberry bushes, 3 pineapple guava bushes, 3 blueberry bushes, 2 grapes, and already started the raised beds for our vegetables. It sometimes feels like we are slowly falling in love with this place and it becomes a home. I love to go outside to watch spring appear on the leaves of the pear trees. I know that we are not here forever but it is nice to own our house. For the worries about this or that is ours. This is a house that we want to stay in for as long as possible, and hopefully when we have to move again we will be able to get a forever home.