The Unsaid

I wonder why women don't talk about all the things that we leave unsaid. We are supposed to be the more nurturing, caring of the two sexes but often we are are the ones who are the most judgmental. We are guilty of worrying over every minute detail and guilty of worrying over all that we are failing at while we do one thing right. We can not take the good because we are worried about all that we can't do. When the days are darkest women are the ones who close up and lose the strength to admit failure. We all struggle but are afraid to show our weaknesses. There is a conversation that we should have but we are to afraid of ridicule. I know I have many days and many thoughts that are left without a voice.  I wonder how many other woman do not voice their fears, or speak more cheerily about what is going on. We are not perfect but we all want each other to believe that we are. I have opened up and asked, "Does this happen to you?". Often the response is silence or worse no never. I quickly let the subject go. I can not be the only one who doesn't know what to do. I can not be the only one who feels lost. Why can't we let the guard down and say, "It is sometimes hard for me too. You are not alone." Instead I am left feeling like less, like I am failing. I wonder am I guilty of making someone else feel that their worries, or fears are theirs alone?

From me to you; You are not alone. We all are secretly struggling at one time or another. We are in this together. If I ever make you feel like you are less than what you are call me out. I am not perfect. In fact I am so far removed from perfect it is not even a relative. I only know what I have lived, and I often mean well. If I don't come off that way ask me about it. I will explain to the best of my abilities. You are worth more than what you feel that you are, you are doing better than you think you are, and everyone whether they admit to it or not has the same kind of doubts.

Today I write

 I am a writer at heart and I am happiest when I am able to create on paper. Today I found the words. I have been worried over a notebook filled with my poetry. It got lost somehow in the move. I am sure it is in the house, I hope it is. I was worried that my words were lost. So today when they rushed toward me I happily picked up a pen and let them spill from my lips. Today I share it with you. I am happy.

I see you
the browns and blues
shinning bright
looking right
to the desire
where the heart
attempts to still
the beat
slowing time
rushing by

Settle Now
before you
turn those browns and blues
away to shine bright
for anothers sight

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss

 Considering that we just moved to a new state I do miss a lot of people. Besides Damian who is in most of the pictures, although it could be said that I miss this age, and myself, I miss all of these people. This is my grandparents house. When we are home we usually sit at this table. My grandmother rarely lets me cook because I am never home for long. My grandfather who is a big kid himself. My uncle, cousins, and my nieces (I only have posted and as of this year I have three nieces). I am missing being a part of my family's lives, of them being part of my own. Time does not stand still, only stretching until I return home to older different people. Maybe I am the one who is different and my realization that time can be unfriendly to people that we love. I am guilty of holding the last picture I have of a person in my head until I see them again. I am missing a life that is not my own. I miss being an active part of a big family instead of a bystander listening for news over the telephone. If you can't tell I am more than a little home sick.

Day 29: A picture that always makes you smile.

Day 29: A picture that always makes you smile.

There is no butts about it. Every time I get to look at old pictures of the kids and even Rob and I, I smile. The memories that we have made together come alive again for a fleeting moment. I really need to work on printing out pictures. I am years behind printing pictures and putting them in photo albums. We are lucky to have such a good life together. I am lucky to have beautiful, healthy, happy family.

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of.

Fear is an odd thing. Can it be depicted in a picture? The rushing of a heart beat, the stifling of a breath, a scream, the unsteady hand. I used to be to young an dumb to be afraid, but then I had children. My worry level went up. I can worry with the best worriers in the business.  To be relevant to the question I have chosen at random something I am afraid of.

So today I needed to go up in to our crawl space to look for a notebook of my poems that I seem to have lost during the move. I pull down the latter and slowly climb up in to a dark whole in the ceiling only to find that the light burned out or that the fuse is not on. We do have the fuse for the alarm off because we don't know the password and that fuse is the door bell also. So I stood there thinking of ways to get light in there and wondering about spiders. After trying to find a working flashlight and deciding against using a candle because of all the insulation I finally took my rushing heart and the rest of my nervous body into the attic. I have an over active imagination which ranged from icky crawling things suddenly attacking me, to finding out if ghosts are real in a horrible shrieking fit of disturbing them, big spiders rushing in to claim a very large lunch, and rodents. Eeek! Of course non of this was found up in the attic space but I did go in even with a racing heart and shaking hands. I did not find the notebook, but I did discover nothing lives up there.

Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is a picture of myself and my boys. The baby is James and Damian is 4. This was our first trip to Disney World. We had the most wonderful vacation and we were all pretty happy. I don't know why I chose this picture but thinking of this trip makes me smile.

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.

I am not sure what do for this one. Going back to school means a lot to me. My mom took out of school when I was sixteen and I worked two jobs and gave it to her. When I left her house I always felt like I was lacking in my education. I had horrible grammar and atrocious spelling. All I have ever wanted to do was to become a writer. So the first thing I did was get my GED, and then I started college. When I started I felt like I needed to prove something and I was not focused on what I wanted to do. Plus because I was not talking to my mom I had to pay for school by working two jobs. I was barely getting by in my classes and after I got married I quit. We moved to Texas. England, Florida, and back to Texas where I have finally started school again. At the beginning of every class I get nervous and worry about my abilities. I have finished 3 classes with an A. I hope that I can continue keeping my grades up. This time I know I will finish and hopefully I will become a paid writer. With a little hard work dreams come true.